Monday, July 7, 2014

A WAHM's Confession

Oh my, the first half of the year just...breezed by. How could that be possible? It was summer, and then, it was summer no more. I did have that summer hurrah I was wanting to have on the last day of May - like I was waving goodbye to sunny days and swimming pools. :) It was a quick weekend escapade to Wilson's Tagaytay, but it was a very refreshing experience. Will make kwento soon.
Anyway, July is starting (and getting ready to leave again. So soon!), and I just want to applaud and at the same time let go of the experiences of the past six months.

This WAHMmy has a few things to confess: 

1. I get tired too.  

I always thought of myself as a resilient, enduring, determined person. I make it a point to not give up right away, and just take everything in stride. But, lately, I've been feeling drained - not just of physical energy, but of spirit. And that is a battle that is a true struggle to win over. I mean the tired feeling, I can sleep it away, and wake up refreshed. But the tired spirit, well, it takes more than an 8-hour snoozefest. My family thinks I am amazing for being able to do it all - but, they don't know how much of me I give to my jobs and roles - and that I sometimes end up drained.

I am always trying to find ways to do it though, give my soul a boost. Lately, I've been making sure to get my quiet/alone time, even if it's just a couple of hours in a milk tea cafe. And even if it also has me working (I write during those times, so really, it doesn't feel like work at all). And yes, having my personal conversations with God, before I go to sleep, while drinking my coffee, while taking a bath... I find it energizes me that I get to talk to Him. Looking forward to doing some nature escapes again soon too - I think I need a few days away from the laptop. :)

2. I want things too.

Being a mom, I know I am expected to be good at budgeting, and that I should live a frugal lifestyle. Ever since I became a mother, I saw just how my financial priorities have changed, and that yes, I have curbed my spending habits somehow. So...YEY! 

But, that doesn't mean I don't WANT things anymore. I actually want a lot more now, because I have added my kid's little joys to my 'materialistic' list. Hehe. A new bag, new clothes, make-up, perfume, new shoes, bento stuff, and for my kid - oh don't get me started on that list. I know most of them are just frivolous stuff, so I don't usually give in. Though I am tempted. Often. Ok, very often. :) 

So I guess the shopping monster in me lives. 

3. I have emotional limits too.

When I was single and going through the 'boyfriends' stage, I was very emotional. I cry a lot, I'm very controlling, and I always want things my way. I retained the two characteristics (but very subdued now), but the first, well I think naubusan na ko ng luha. I am not insensitive naman, but I just find myself just turning my back on emotional eklavarva now. 

But, that doesn't mean I don't feel things anymore. That I don't feel irritated, or angry, or frustrated, or disappointed. Because I do! Often! Unfortunately, people around me expect me to be 'balanced' all the time, because I'm a WAHM - I get to work, and still stay at home = sunshine and butterflies. 

I wish. I wish I don't feel stressed anymore - that would be a treat. I actually carry a heavier burden because I'm a WAHM. All my bosses are around all the time. When I turn off the laptop, I work for my bosses here at home. :) So I have no 'real' breaks or day-offs. So...not stressful? Really, I WISH.

Ahhhh, feels good to let all that out. I feel like I've been bottling up all these little realities, that I wanted to make them known but I couldn't because I don't want to seem weak. 

But hey, I realized, I'm a real person. :)

I feel. 
I fail. 
I falter.

Yes, I confess,  my life's not perfect. I am not. And I still love  it. :)

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